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I came across an episode of Paula’s Home Cooking on the Food Network today where Paula was preparing a brunch for her girlfriends. Now, Paula Deen is not exactly known for her heart-healthy cuisine and I don’t begrudge anyone who enjoys an occasional romp in the hay with Southern cooking… but her “Lady’s Brunch Burger” was so over-the-top that I couldn’t just let it slide. (Lest you think I’m being the food police, I’m not alone here. Please see Paula Deen is Trying to Kill Us, Part 4: Bacon, Egg, Doughnut Burger.)

The oh-so ladylike burger consists of 8 oz of ground beef topped with fried bacon and an egg, and served in between *two* glazed donuts. (Because it would be so declasse to serve a beef-egg-bacon-donut burger open-faced…) How, exactly, is this a lady’s brunch food? This seems more like something a frat boy would concoct upon discovering that the last hamburger bun in his pantry had gone moldy.

So just for fun–since nutritional analysis is fun to people like me–I decided to tally up the damage that Paula inflicted on her poor, unsuspecting girlfriends who probably came over for brunch expecting salads or quiche or some dainty little cucumber sandwiches.

OK. So each burger contains the following ingredients:
* 1/2 pound ground beef (she said to use 85% lean beef on the show)
* Chopped parsley leaves
* Grated onion
* Seasoning
* ~0.6 TBSP butter
* 1 egg
* 2 slices bacon, cooked
* 2 glazed donuts

According to my calculations, assuming Krispy Kreme donuts for the “bun,” each of Paula’s brunchy burgers contains:

1,019 calories
68 grams of fat (or, 60% of calories from fat)…
… of which 29 grams are saturated fat (yes, that’s about 2-day’s worth for most women.)

Oh, Paula. Please tell me you’ll at least be steaming some collards for dinner…?